Interlude: Ethiopian Cuisine

Interlude: Ethiopian Food

I've been to a lot of countries and enjoyed a lot of cuisine that's local to the country in question. And there can be no doubt that I love food from many countries, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, French, Spanish, Greek and of course my favourite: Indian. But I'd never known anything about Ethiopian cuisine, in fact to be honest I didn't know much about the country at all. But the food in Ethiopia has rapidly turned out to be some of my favourite of all time!

Not only is Ethiopian traditional food delicious, it's also incredibly cheap. Finding a big lunch that will fill you up for the rest of the day can cost between 90p to 1 pound 50. Any more and you'll be able to afford an absolutely massive feast. Local food is often served with injera, a large sourdough pancake that is made out of a flour mixture that is usually left for a few days to ferment and give it the unique and slightly bitter taste that injera is known for. These huge pancakes are usually spread out over a very large plate and topped with various kinds of wat (stews) or tibbs or kitfo which are both absolutely delicious kinds of slow stewed meat (often lamb) mixed with an assortment of hot spices. You don't need cutlery, you just peel off the edge of the injera and scoop up the toppings and eat them with your hands.

Every day in Addis Ababa, and we were there for quite a few days, we enjoyed lunch and breakfast at the various local restaurants where we also managed to find some beers worth the absurdly low cost of 18p! What was also amazing is how delicious we found the cuisine of other countries when we were in Ethiopia. I enjoyed some of the most delicious pizzas, burgers and much more in the many restaurants around town. But no matter how good the foreign food was I just found you can't beat that bloody wonderful injera.

But one of the best meals I had ever eaten in Ethiopia, in Africa, possibly even in my entire life, was one that I found in a small cafe opposite the museum of history in Addis. I watched Phil order it a few days before and after watching him wolf it down I decided I had to have it. On the last night in Addis I specifically took a taxi out by myself after dark into the heart of the city. I found the place and ordered the meal. It's hard to describe in conventional terms since I'm not a poet so I'll just include a brief point-by-point list of instructions on how to find a meal that I would describe as one of the best I've ever had.

How to achieve culinary heaven in Ethiopia

• Step 1: - Get to Ethiopia. As you've probably ascertained from the title this is quite an essential step. If you're there already then well done, you're doing better than most people. If you aren't there then you can book a flight from your nearest international airport. You can drive there on a ten month overland trip if you REALLY must.

• Step 2: - Get to Addis Ababa. This shouldn't be hard as it's the capital and all roads lead do Addis. At least I think they do I haven't actually checked. If you're also already there then wow what an ecstasy-inducingly wonderful bit of happenstance, you're TWO steps ahead of the rest.

• Step 3: - Spend the night somewhere. You don't want to face true culinary enlightenment when you're suffering from travel fatigue. Rest your mind and meditate.

• Step 4: - Eat a small apple (or similarly inadequate nourishment) for breakfast. You will be hungry but that's OK, the more hungry you are the more you'll enjoy the feast that is to come.

• Step 5: - Eat another small apple (or similarly inadequate nourishment) for lunch. The hunger will now be gnawing away relentlessly at your insides but FIGHT IT!

• Step 6: - Go to the national museum at around dinnertime. Every taxi or matatu driver in town knows where this is. Matatus only cost about 10p, taxis £1.50 (or £2.50 if you're really shit at negotiating).

• Step 7 (optional): - If you feel like it, have a look around the national museum. It's really rather good and it will take your mind off the hunger. Staring into the hollow eyes of the skull of one of your ancestors from millions of years ago can really take your mind off your ravenous, voracious edacity.

• Step 8: - Go to the pizzeria opposite the museum called Five Zone. This is the main reason you've been brought to the museum.

• Step 9: - Get a table to yourself. If you're eating with others then make sure they sit a separate tables because you need all that room for the meal you're about to order. I am not joking.

• Step 10: - Order the Five Zone Special.

• Step 11: - There will likely be a salt shaker & or paper towel rack in the middle of the table. Push them out of the way to make room for the Five Zone Special.

• Step 12: - You still need more room. You haven't pushed them far enough, push them RIGHT to the edge of the table.

• Step 13: - Get your camera ready for somebody else to take a photograph of the look of shock and astonishment upon your visage as the gargantuan behemoth of a meal is slammed down in front of you on your table. There is no metaphor or hyperbole sufficient enough to adequately describe the look of apoplectic bewilderment that will undoubtedly manifest itself upon your features. I believe that future generations will use the expression 'Five Zoned' to describe an inordinately extreme look of shock. Such as:

'My god Bob! You look totally 'Five Zoned'

'Oh don't exaggerate! I only just found out my wife and kids just died.'

• Step 14: - Take a deep deep breath.

• Step 15: - Eat, die, go to heaven

• Step 16: - Realise that you're still alive, still on Earth and that pleasure thought only reserved for the afterlife are available to mere mortals. Come to the conclusion that god does exist because anything this wonderful could only be the result of a divine creator.

• Step 17: - Fall to the ground in prayer when the bill arrives and you realise that the obscenely colossal feast you've just devoured only cost £2.50 ($3.50ish).

• Step 18: - A wheelbarrow might be necessary to get you home after this. What you do next is up to you however. Hopefully an ambulance will not be required.

the 'Five Zone Special'